relationship

i been staying with him for weeks after we broke up.. but however, things arent going the way we wanted. it hurts more than what we expected. been checkin his facebook so as him checking mine. seriously, jealousy and sadness pops up everytime we both saw each other contacting opposite sex people and stuffs. he been having his life so as me. i seldom go out anymore as i dont drive and transport been a big problem for me to go out especially in the night. all i can say is i am sorry for hurting you. afterall i am not a good girlfriend. i could not play my role as your girlfriend that well and as what you expected. i tried changing your thinking throughout this whole week we been staying together but i failed. your mind is totally fixed. all i can do is listen to breakup songs and cry all by myself in the blanket. although you were beside me, but u never bother. probably u wanna comfort me but u dont know how. i cant blame u for that either. i have small amount of friends to talk to thus i only can blog. i wish i could hug u whenever i am sad. but i need to ask your permissions first. that is so awkward though. i wish things could be better between us as time passes by. love you lots!

heartbroken

i really dont know what to say this time cause the biggest fault is me, myself. i did the same mistake twice in this relationship. however, the second time is not as worse as the first one. honestly, i already learnt my lesson in the first case.. but that does not goes to my boy.. i know how he feels all along.. he felt so unsafe, sad, and dont know how to face it if the second time happens again. because i know how he felt, i dont want to do it again. i really felt that he is the mr right for me all along from the first day of our relationship. however, i realized that i really screwed up the relationship in the first case thus i dont want it to repeat again. as for the second case, i can promise u that really nothing happened. i did not repeat the first case. but when i came back, he suspects. fine, i am okay with that cause that is a normal reaction as the first time happens after i returned from outstation. back to the second case, i did think twice before doing anything cause i dont want to hurt him as he is really part of my life. when i came back, i dont blame him for suspecting but still he does not trust me. again, i cant blame him cause this is another normal reaction as i hurt him before. he is just being cautious. he is afraid that the same thing would happen again and feel hurt too. yet, we argued for nothing that's why i did dedicate a song, "mad" by ne-yo to him during that cold war. another issue came out was i met this new bunch of lovely friends so i asked his permission to allow me to hang out with this bunch of people. again, he afraid cause the person that he suspects is part of the gang. again i would not blame him for being protective. but i hoped that i could have more friends cause honestly i really have small number of friends. most of my besties were not here and some dont really keep in touch with me anymore. then i went out with this bunch of friends and came back kinda late. again, he noticed something happen in my twitter. i thought that twitter is all about myself expressing my own feelings. the suspected guys seems to reply my tweets though. my boy went twitting and saw. one day after outing, he came and asked me what is going on between me and the other guy. i could not explain more cause there is nothing happening. he got angry and again another cold war. i was so upset and hoped out from the car while he is driving home. that night, we did not speak to each other at all. the very next day, we never talked and i asked him to drop me at shopping mall to meet up with friends. as what happened between me and my boy, the suspected guy and his friends cared and tried to cheer me up. that night i went home late. my boy was upset, but i am afraid that if i returned home early, we would argue again. i really dont want that to happen though so i retuned home late. the next morning i feel so sad and emo. i really dont know what to do but hugging him. then we tried to settle things and all. we had a conclusion with a cooling period. okay, we stick with it. but however, i feel that he is being very cold to me during that war. at this moment i really dont know who to talk to and cry to. all i know i got that new bunch of friends that could comfort so i went to find them. that night my boy came to fetch me home. we sat at a cafe for restaurant and start talking again. that moment i was so jealouse of him cause he had lots of friends and family members start calling him asking aboout his love life. i was thinking why i dont have that such of bunch of people to care about me when i am down. again, i cried in public. that night we went home, yea he hugged me but it was a friend hug. for that few days i am really emotionally down. i really clueless about what to do and all. one day i went out, yet forgot to bring my phone. i rushed home, saw him holding my phone with tears. my heart really broken at that moment. i felt that i am a jerk for hurting his feeling. i could not say much then he just passed me the phone and went back to the room. i was squating down and cried. he heard, he came out but i ran away from home. i really dont know where to head to other than my friends. i went to look for them then i went back to my house. i realized i need family love now but i could not express to them how heartbroken am i. i keep crying in my room. my dad saw but i just ignored him asking me what happened. my mum was not around but if she does, i wont tell her as well cause she would asked tons of questions that i would not want to answer. i keep avoiding my dad by goin out to shopping mall alone. i feel so sucked crying in public everytime i sat down. at night i retuned home, i really want to give my boy a call but he just would care anymore. i just dont know what to do but sleep. the next day i skipped class cause i dont want to go back to college where i might bumped into my boy and start crying. till today i saw my boy again as i am back to college cause i need to rush my assignments. but again i burst into tears. i guess this relationship really gave me a strong impact cause he is really the one for me and i hurt him so badly that he could not take it the second time. all i can say i m sorry, bi. and i love u so much!! *heartbroken*